How To Love Yourself When You Grew Up Feeling Unlovable

I was fifteen when my mother asked me to take photos of her, my stepdad, and my siblings. She framed one and hung it on the wall. Her “family.”
But she never hung a picture of me.

After years of trying to earn her love, that moment crushed me. The voice in my head didn’t hesitate. “See? You don’t belong here. You’re a mistake. Not even your own mother wants you.”

So many daughters of emotionally immature parents know this voice all too well. It’s like having an internal bully that constantly tells you you’re unwanted, unlovable, and won’t ever be enough.

And you believe it.

Here’s The Problem…

This critical voice often becomes the mini dictator in your head that runs your life. It points out all the ways you fall short, highlights your flaws, and reminds you every chance it gets that you’re not enough.

Hearing this negative chatter day in and day out, makes it almost impossible to love yourself.

Even when people point out your strengths, it’s hard for you to believe them. You brush off compliments and downplay your achievements. But the minute someone agrees with the negative things your inner critic says, you believe them whole-heartedly.

As time goes on, it gets hard to separate yourself from this voice. You get so used to hearing it that you start to believe the voice is part of who you are.

Where Did The Voice Come From?

Although this critical voice might sound like you, it’s not. It’s the echo of a parent who suffocated you with harsh criticisms and impossible expectations, when what you needed was love and acceptance. When you grow up with someone who’s dismissive, unpredictable, or quick to judge, it’s common to do everything you can to avoid setting them off.

This leads to the rise of the critical voice in your head. It develops as a way to protect you from your parent’s disapproval. The voice steps in like an overprotective guard, warning you, scolding you, and shaming you before anyone else can. It thinks this will keep you safe from rejection or punishment.

The Cost of Protection

Even though this voice meant well, instead of protecting you, it kept you stuck in a place of self­-doubt. It drowned out your authentic voice, and what was left behind was a voice that mimicked your parent’s harshness and negative tone.

Rather than helping you feel safe, the critical voice made you believe that staying small was the only way to survive. It convinced you that your worth depended on never making mistakes and being perfect all the time. With a voice like this running the show, it doesn’t take long for self-doubt and self-hate to take root.

Over time, you stop developing a sense of your own worth. Instead, you start to believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. Hiding your true self becomes a full-time job, because you’re certain that if anyone saw the real you, they’d judge you, leave you, or use it against you.

Sadly, you grow up thinking you’re the problem, and that belief quietly shapes everything. How you show up, what you tolerate, and what you believe you deserve.

But Here’s The Truth

There was never anything wrong with you. The “I’m Not Good Enough” story that lives rent­ free in your head is a lie. You came into this world being worthy simply because you exist.

Your worth isn’t something you have to jump through hoops to prove. It’s your birthright. Could you imagine looking at a newborn and thinking, “Nah, that baby isn’t worthy?” Sounds bizarre, right? And yet, that’s how you see yourself.

Your value was never meant to be measured by grades, achievements, productivity, or the way others see you. Worth isn’t something you earn through effort. It lives within you, and it’s not something you can lose. It is however, something you can be taught to forget. And even when you learn the truth of your inherent worth, it’s hard to let go of the lie that you’re not enough. This can make learning how to love yourself very challenging.

The Good News Is…

Just because self-love feels hard at first, doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You can absolutely learn how to love yourself despite your old conditioning running in the background.

You don’t have to let the negative beliefs you picked up in childhood define who you are for the rest of your life. You have more power than you think.

You get to decide how you talk to yourself, how you care for yourself, and what kind of relationship you want to build with yourself moving forward.

The best part? Learning to love yourself doesn’t require a dramatic transformation.

Every time you notice the critical voice and choose to not let it run the show, speak to yourself with compassion, or honor a need you used to ignore, you’re practicing self-love.

Related: How To Accept Love and Self Love When You Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents (Printable)

Life Changes When You Learn How To Love Yourself

When you start showing up for yourself in small, consistent ways, something shifts. Life doesn’t suddenly become perfect, but it does become lighter. You might notice that:

• You stop trying to earn love and start to feel at home in your own skin.
• You listen to what feels right for you, instead of focusing on what looks good to other people.
• Setbacks don’t spiral into shame because you stop beating yourself up when things go wrong.
• Setting boundaries isn’t a struggle anymore because you value protecting your peace over pleasing other people.
• You become less willing to settle for crumbs in your relationships, and are more drawn to connections that feel mutual, safe, and nourishing.

Self-love doesn’t erase life’s challenges, but it changes how you meet them. It gives you the strength, clarity, and compassion to face difficult moments without abandoning yourself.

Related: How To Manage Your Inner Critic And Stop Doubting Yourself (Printable)

Learning How to Love Yourself  

Loving yourself isn’t about waking up one day and finally feeling “enough.” It’s about learning to relate to yourself differently. In this new way of relating, you stop treating your worth as something you have to earn and remember it’s something you already have.

This shift doesn’t happen through positive thinking or reciting affirmations. It unfolds through awareness, compassion, and daily practice. Here’s how you can make that shift:

1: Notice When Your Critical Voice Comes Up

You can’t free yourself from something you don’t notice. When your mind buzzes with criticism and tells you things like, “You should’ve done better,” or “You don’t deserve this,” pause and notice what your mind is saying. However, don’t get caught up in the negative thoughts. Simply acknowledge them and say to yourself:

“I’m noticing my mind is telling me I’m not enough.” You might even add, “Thanks, mind, I see you’re trying to keep me safe.”

This small moment of awareness loosens the story’s grip and reminds you that thoughts aren’t facts. You don’t have to believe everything your mind tells you.

2. Practice Willingness (Make Space For Feelings)

When you grow up with emotionally immature parents, you often learn that certain feelings aren’t safe. Maybe sadness was dismissed as being “too sensitive,” or anger was punished as disrespect.

So you learn to push those emotions away to keep the peace. But the reality is, those feelings don’t disappear. They just simmer under the surface until something triggers an explosion.

When you practice willingness, you’re essentially saying, “I’m willing to feel what’s here, even if it’s uncomfortable.” It’s choosing to stop running from pain and to face it head on. This might sound daunting. However, not facing your feelings is much more painful in the long run.

The next time sadness, guilt, or anger comes up, pause and gently check in with your body. Where do you feel it? In your chest, stomach, throat? Breathe into that space. Let yourself notice the sensations without needing to fix or judge them.

Every time you allow yourself to feel instead of numb out or criticize yourself, you’re building emotional safety from the inside out. You’re teaching the younger parts of you that their feelings are valid and deserving of care.  At the end of the day, holding space for your feelings is an act of self-love.

Here’s what feeling your feelings can look like in action:

3. Bring Compassion To Your Inner Critic

Your critical voice isn’t here to intentionally cause you pain. It’s the part of you that learned love could be taken away if you made one wrong move. To protect you from that, your critic pushed you to do better by pointing out flaws and urging you to fix them. Anything to avoid the rejection or abandonment that once felt unbearable.

I know if I stepped out of line as a kid or didn’t do what was expected, love was taken away swiftly. My mom would call me everything but a child of God or I got the silent treatment for weeks. For some, it meant beatings. Because of this, learning how to stay on your parents’ ‘good side’ was key to survival.

So when your critical voice shows up now, instead of pushing it away, meet it with tenderness. Not because you approve of its scare tactics, but because in its own misguided way, your critical voice is trying to protect you.

Try doing this instead:

Place a hand on your heart and tell yourself, “I know you’re scared I’ll lose love if I mess up, but you don’t have to work so hard anymore. I’m safe now, even when I make mistakes.”

This is how healing begins. Not by silencing the voice, but by soothing it with compassion.

4. Choose Actions That Honor Your Needs

Each time you prioritize your needs, you remind yourself that your well-being matters. You’re learning to listen to your body, your emotions, and your intuition.

Initially, this might feel selfish, especially if you’ve been conditioned to put other people’s needs first. However, honoring your needs isn’t selfish; it’s how you show yourself love.

T might look like:
• Saying no, even when doing so brings up feelings of guilt
• Allowing yourself to rest or accept help instead of pushing through.
• Speaking to yourself with kindness when you make a mistake.
• Walking away from situations that no longer feel right for you.

These small, intentional choices are acts of self-love. They’re how you reclaim your worth– one decision, one boundary at a time.

5. Reconnect With Your Values

When you grow up trying to meet everyone else’s expectations, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are. Self-love means remembering that you get to define your life now, not your parents or anyone else.

One way to start finding yourself again is by reconnecting with your values. Values are the qualities or principles that guide your decisions and shape how you want to live your life. They include things like honesty, compassion, growth, etc.

Your values serve as your inner compass and they reflect what truly matters to you. They point you back to yourself when life feels noisy or confusing. To reconnect with your values, pause and reflect:

Ask yourself, “What really matters to me? What kind of person do I want to be in my relationship with myself?” Then, take small steps that align with your answers.

Each time you make choices because they feel right to you and not because you’re afraid of letting someone down, you build self-trust. You start to live in alignment with the real you. This is how true self-love takes root.

Change Takes Time

Be gentle as you learn how to love yourself. You’re unlearning years of conditioning, and that takes time. Some days you’ll feel confident and secure in who you are, and other days, it might feel like you’ve taken a few steps back. That’s okay. Growth isn’t a straight line.

What matters most is that you keep showing up. Not to prove you’re worthy, but to honor the truth that you already are. Listen to what you need, move at a pace that feels kind, and let compassion guide how you treat yourself.

Every act of gentleness, every moment of honesty, is a choice to honor your worth. You don’t have to rush. You’re already learning how to love yourself in all the ways that matter.

Take The Next Step

If you’re ready to keep growing and deepening your relationship with yourself, there’s a way to keep the momentum going. The Own Your Worth Toolkit is a gentle next step.

Inside this free guide you’ll find reflection prompts to explore the origins of your self-doubt, how to reconnect with your worth, and soothing practices to help you meet yourself with compassion.

Each time you use this toolkit, you loosen the grip of shame and strengthen your connection to the truth that’s always been there–that you’re worthy, just as you are.

 Download your copy of the Own Your Worth Toolkit and give yourself the space to pause, reflect, and nurture your worth, one compassionate step at a time.